Ruins

I lost my appetite eating
all that has been unspoken
between us. I wonder if even
speaking to you would return
us to a hurt where we would
be both consumed

my tears ducts have already
drowned oceans of their salty
taste. this seasoning cleaning
the wound to scar over

I am in ruin. heartache
a brokenness that is nudging me to return.
As all breaks have this hidden opening
when I am broken from the familiar

a familiar endearing, comforting love
in kinship now in unsettling derangement
because I know how in the drought of my tears
I can absorb hurt and hurt myself.
as I have.

I have walked through hurt wanting
to forget and numb. to get over my
emotions and escape my feeling body
a battery of self-made scars

and I have walked as hurt
welcoming sorrow and lamentation.
returning to myself. recognizing
myself in my grief.
a love that retruns from loss.

and I see myself clear
I am capable of love
even in the face of loss

how capable am I to love
someone struggling to love
themself

leaving me in defiance to
my love they considered
overwhelming

as I started to see
the love they were expecting
reflected their scars
love that was
scarce.
restrictive.
and congested.

so I mourn how
ruins are expressed
in this moment of her leaving

I mourn how
my love unyielding
could uncover a ruins
where the past spoke pain

I mourn how
even though I could love you
I could not create space
for you to start to love yourself

because I know that space to be ruins
a space where the wound is in the clear
giving clarity to the need of self-compassion
facing self-torment

maybe I am in ruins
longing for that space myself